Monday, October 03, 2011

Day 28 of 30 - Something that stresses you out

I suffer from clinical depression with associated anxiety, clinical adjustment disorder, and a lesser form of social anxiety.  It doesn't take much to stress me out.  However, over the past ten years, I have learned to recognize many of the symptoms that tell me I'm about to go over the edge into madness.  I've learned many of my triggers, and 90% of the time, I can remove myself from the situation before things get bad.  I also have a nice collection of drugs.  And I promise you, they're all legal.

All the above being said, there are certain things that are guaranteed to cause atleast minor stress, no matter how hard I try to just roll with it.

1. changes in schedules/plans - it's that whole clinical adjustment disorder.  I live through my calendar.  If I have something to do, it goes on the calendar.  I'm anal about my calendar.  Truthfully, it's more of a memory thing that a stress thing; if it's not on the calendar, I will probably forget about it.  However, though I'm not what you would call a social butterfly, I do stay fairly busy.  Changing something at the last minute could mean that I am no longer able to participate in said thing, or atleast am not available for a month or more.  Also, since my father died 6 years ago, I've become the one that tends to do most of the planning, for events that often include upwards of 15-20 family members.  My family is pretty laid-back, and they can change things on a whim.  When I've spent several months planning something, and it gets changed, I tend to react a bit strong.  Most of the time, I overreact, and most of the time, I know I'm overreacting.  The problem with severe anxiety is that even when you know you're making something out of nothing, you don't have the ability, atleast at that time, to get a handle on your emotions.  Now, on the flip side of this issue, if I'm at home, or even if I'm out visiting friends or family, and nothing was ever planned, I'm so laid back that you can barely force me to make a decision.

2. travel - I LOVE to travel!  Absolutely LOVE it!  This year, I'll make 5 total trips to Florida, as long as nothing changes (no need to reference above discussion on changes...fifth trip is not set in stone yet).  While the 2nd trip to Florida was unplanned, and was not for fun reasons (I attended my aunt's funeral), I did take advantage of the time there to get out to the beach, and to Starbucks, and got to spend some pretty enjoyable time with my extended family, many of whom I don't get to see regularly.  I've already been to South Carolina several times this year, with several more trips planned (and SC trips can pop up quite suddenly, so more could be added).  I may or may not be going to Tennessee to visit family.  Next year, I'll be going to Washington DC in June, a trip that has been in the works for well over a year.  We're already starting to plan a trip to New York for 2013.  There will also be many, MANY more trips to Florida and South Carolina (though hopefully sometime in there, a house in SC will magically appear, and I'll be moving there, which will mean that there will be trips to Florida and Georgia).  So, again, I LOVE to travel!  But it never fails - the night I leave for a trip, SOMETHING will go wrong.  It's been flat tires, dead batteries, missing dive gear, and many other things.  No matter how hard I try, something goes wrong.  And I have a panic attack, which inevitably makes us even later.  I have made a pact with myself regarding the upcoming Florida trip, which begins October 28.  I will be packed, and have as much of the car packed as possible on Thursday, so that when I get off of work on Friday, I only have to load a few things, pick up Mama, and hit the road.  I'll let you know how it goes.

3. crowds - see the first paragraph, where I mentioned social anxiety.  Added to that, I'm claustrophobic, a condition that causes stress, and gets worse when I get stress.  It's a horrid cycle.  LOUD crowds are even worse.  I've reached a point where I can exist in a crowd, if I have time to prepare myself, but loud crowds (for instance, at a party) are still very hard for me to handle.

4. stupid people - I won't explain this one, because I think most people understand and agree.

I'm sure there are many other things that stress me out, but I think that's enough for now.